“When anger rises, think of the consequences”" - Confucius
Confucius was a Chinese philosopher who was born in 551 BCE. Confucius had a theory on “beautiful conduct.” He thought that if everyone could achieve “beautiful conduct,” or what he considered correct behavior our world could become perfect. This involved avoiding all extreme actions and emotions, being considerate to others, respecting family, and worshiping ancestors.
Now I am not too sure about worshiping your ancestors, although popping round to see your Nan and Uncle Mo once in a while won’t do you any ha. But, his talk of avoiding all extreme actions whilst hurting is definitely a good thing.
When we feel hurt by others or they do stuff to us like lie, cheat, and then cheat some more we seem to turn into a thing possessed when we see them next. We tell them that we want them to die; we shout out loud that their mother stinks and scream at them that we hope their secret love child gets burned at the stake.
Your personal thoughts on what you want to say to your ex may of course be a little less spiteful or maybe a hell of a lot worse. Whatever you feel you need to say to them right now is your business but I have one question. Why do you need to make it the business of anyone else including your ex?
What you need to do is ask yourself this – Is this really how you want to represent yourself? Is this the final last word that you want the love of your life to hear and remember you by?
We all do and say crazy irrational things when we are hurting, we want to hurt the other person as much as we hurt at that moment. BUT how will your touretted tirade make them go “oh yeah my mother does stink thank you for reminding me, I have missed your words of wisdom so much, shall we go to Paris this weekend and make up, I love you so much you are just so kind and lovable. I have been such a fool dumping you.”
If you can think of 3 reasons of how this course of action would set you up to reunite I will eat every copy of this book ever printed page by page.
The hate and hurt that causes your thoughts and bouts of nasty name calling does need to get out your system though. The key is to release them at the correct moment and definitely not in front of the person you are in love with. I advise you to go to the scream and or cushion exercise immediately when you feel these feelings bubble and then once the emotional energy is released we can do a little exercise to re connect you with your rational self as believe it or not it still does exist. Please see “scream it all out” and kick the sh8t out of them” in the Anger MendMaker Section for the perfect exercise.
Inside you have this infinite wisdom, it just knows what’s right for you and what feels good, it’s just unfortunate that this ba*tard called fear gets the way of it most of the time. This exercise is a bit of a devil’s advocate but the questions and your answers will allow you to reconnect to this wisdom. You have it I promise. You may feel like a dumb ass failure or a heartbroken lonely freak at this moment in time but trust in me when I say that ARE a beautiful piece of wisdom.
Grab yourself a piece of paper and a pen. The following exercise is about getting control over that irrational mind that is about to explode.
1: To start write down at least 10 reasons why getting angry with them would make them love you and want you back. Write down what you would say and underneath write how this would make them love you again. Just let it all flow until you can’t think of anything else to write. You may struggle to do 10 and do only 3, you may do none or even 43. What you come up with is right for you. Just make sure you are honest with what you truly feel at the moment. Then sit back take 5 and then look over your answers.
2: Now if you couldn’t really think of any reasons of why it is good to have a outburst your wisdom has started to kick in, if you did then go over your questions one by one and ask yourself again if your statement or begging outburst would really cause them to regret loosing you and want them to desperately fall back into your arms. To get love you have to give love so if your going to get angry with someone you don’t need to be a genius to work out what you will get in return. Now this statement doesn’t mean that you can sleep with your ex giving them the best “love” of their life. A quick shag with the ex is not love, it is just sex, do not get the two confused, you will only get hurt more.
Also think about this, do you really want to be with someone whom gives in and gets back with you just because you harassed them and threatened to go on hunger strike if they didn’t move back in with you? Throwing threats, guilt, money and sex at someone to win them back is not what you deserve and if you do think it’s what you deserve don’t panic about these thoughts as we deal with your self esteem in this book to.
3: With the first part of the exercise done it is now time to take a fresh look at the possible reactions to your actions and outbursts with a new list. Write down 50 reasons why you should not scream and shout at them. What would be the consequences? This list is extensive but do complete 50.
It may be hard but you will get there, this is about exhausting yourself with your answers. In the punching exercises you exhaust yourself until the energetic anger inside you is worn away, in the same way this exercise exhausts your irrational behavior and gets your wisdom strong again so that you don’t send that crazy death threat texts that will enable your ex to go “ see that’s why I dumped you, your nuts”.
4: Read your lists once over, destroy them and breathe deep as you know the moment has past and you for now at least not have to deal with your consequences as you haven’t created any.
You have done well. Claim your prize, be brave and although you may be nowhere near ready to find someone new smile at the next hot stranger you see and feel good as they acknowledge your wisdom and beauty.