Thinking that you have found the one feels amazing, when you are falling in love the world around you is sweet and you can take on the world. Finding out that you are the only one that feels this within a relationship can come like a shock. How can something that you thought was going so right go so wrong?
Whether your lover ran off with your best mate, dumped you by text or did the ‘It’s not you its me’ line it all feels the same, bloody confusing.
Some may get the final conversation that they needed for closure and for others this love disappears into the night as they crumble with the bereavement its death leaves behind. For me I just didn’t get it, how did I not sense his lies, how did I not realise so many things. How the heck did I fall for someone like that? Confusion then frustration back to confusion to dumb founded, my emotions would swing round and around making me so dizzy I felt sick for months.
Whilst in my search for sanity I took many classes and courses to help me find my balance. I learnt about a technique involving non-dominant handwriting. Basically you ask questions with the hand you normally write with and write the answers with the other, for most this would be the left hand. This technique is amazing for releasing pain, understanding how situations happened and getting closure.
This exercise allowed for me to ask my ex the questions I didn’t understand without even having to see him again. We all have wisdom deep inside, we all know what is best for us but sometimes we choose to ignore it. This exercise enables us to reveal the answers within us that we already know. We don’t actually need to ask our ex, a total relief and revelation; we already have everything we need.
It may not feel like it right now but there is a reason for this break up. For mine my ex just wasn’t the right one for me, I deserve truth and honesty and that’s why it ended. Not because I am ugly, fat or a loser. The universe and I know that I can have better so the break up was created. I believe that there is a greater good out there, I have no exact idea of what it is but I just know that even the tough stuff is happening for a reason and it all leads to better things, people and relationships. I now trust this process of life. Do you?
We often ignore warning signs early on in a relationship because we so desperately want to be loved. Our fear of rejection takes over and our conscious mind (the part that we think and talk with) chooses to ignore our unconscious (the instinctual feelings we have that warns us when something isn’t right). Do you ever remember a time when you ex did or said something that made your tummy pinch? That was your gut instinct warning you, did you take this warning on board? Did you listen to what it was telling you or did you carry on as if nothing has happened? Did you do what so many of us do and create yourself a fake reality where everything was perfect as you was so desperate to be loved and be in love.
The more we ignore the bigger height we have to fall when the sh*t hits the fan. It is now time for you to listen. This exercise allows us to communicate with this inner wisdom by writing with our left and right hands. To understand the exercise properly we need to understand the conscious mind and the unconscious mind, this is discussed further on in this piece. Once you have answered all the questions and feel a sense of accomplishment of what you have done leave them for a few minutes and them come back to your papers and read over them all.
You may even want to make notes with what you have realised, you may realise that you have some hidden beliefs you need to work on. This exercise made me exhausted as I found that it released lots of emotions and pain that I had ignored for a long time. Emotions and pain from my school days – it had nothing to do with this relationship but it had affected my confidence. If you feel exhausted too it is quite normal just drink plenty of water to keep you hydrated.
In this exercise your dominant writing hand represents your conscious mind. The conscious mind includes everything that is inside our awareness. This includes things such as sensations, perceptions, memories and our feelings.
‘Consciousness is subjective experience or awareness or wakefulness or the executive control system of the mind’ according to the dictionary and other names or terms for it include the subjective mind.’
Your non-dominant hand represents your unconscious mind. It is the unconscious mind that makes us work without us having to think about it. We are made up of millions of little pieces that all work in unison keeping us breathing, walking and even typing on a keyboard. Imagine if you had to remember everything, you would be exhausted, that is why it is all kept silently within us in our subconscious mind. It is also a reservoir of feelings, thoughts, urges, and memories that are outside of our conscious awareness. Most of the contents of the unconscious are unacceptable or unpleasant, such as feelings of pain, anxiety, or conflict. The unconscious continues to influence our behavior and experience, even though we are unaware of these underlying influences. It is the voice or feeling you feel in your body and can’t explain, it is your voice of reason and our biggest teacher. Other names or terms include inner child, your gut instinct, essential nature, inner self, soul, spirit, spirituality, true being.
I feel that it is important to share the basics of the conscious and the subconscious mind so that you can understand why doing this exercise would help you. You will find that many people talk about these two parts of our mind and call them different names such as they ones I have mentioned. We all have the answers we need deep inside, our subconscious can unlock the key to so many situations and emotions. It knows so much that we don’t even need to ask the questions to the person we want the answers from, it enables us to work it out ourselves and that is simply quite beautiful.
Find a quiet place to be alone and take a paper and pen with you. Relax and focus on what it is you want to know about your break up. What is it you want to ask your ex? Many of these questions you may feel to embarrassed to say face to face but here you have the perfect chance.
Write down all your questions, keep going until you have exhausted yourself of them for this moment in time. Use your dominant hand (the one you always write with).
Once you have finished writing all your questions place your pen in your less dominant hand and one by one go down your list and answer them. You may find that you write pages and pages for a question so start each answer on a new piece of paper allowing for total freedom with your flow. Please don’t think about what you are writing, don’t worry about what it looks like, just keep it coming. Write and write and write. I did this on the train once and the lady next to me was trying to work out what the hell I was doing. It is no ones business just yours and no one will ever see this so keep going until it is all out of your system.
The answers you get will be quite profound, they may make you cry and the answers you get from deep inside may not be what you was expecting or desire. Trust your gut, know that this is your truth and if you follow it you will get to exactly where you are meant to me.
It is hard to hear that we didn’t listen to our own warning signs, it is hard to know the truth, it is hard to know that the man we thought was our soul mate was clearly here to teach us a lesson but in time you will understand why and this exercises really does help. Whatever answers you get, know that growth is good. Growing pains do suck but they will melt away eventually.