Whilst trying to deal with my own envy and jealousy I read on a website forum about the idea that our feelings are messengers. This idea suggested that the envy I was feeling was trying to tell me something. It was trying to tell me about an unmet need I had somewhere. It sounded like madness at first but it was actually my friend’s boyfriend whom reconfirmed the idea after I asked his advice on how to deal with how jealous I was feeling.
He said “you are jealous because you know deep down that your relationship wasn’t good enough and that you settled and ignored all the signs. You are annoyed at yourself as you know that you have been a bit foolish, your jealousy isn’t about other people its about your own disapproval of your own actions” Quite a profound moment at 5am after a hard night of trying to find the answer in a bottle of brandy and bag of pills , after a big huge 3 hour cry I got so many negative feelings out my system and came to terms with this new understanding. I resented my circumstances, I knew deep down that I had let myself be treated in a way I didn’t deserve and I had become jealous of everyone else’s strength in knowing how they should be treated in a relationship and wanted to be strong too. It felt amazing to understanding my emotions. I had negative beliefs that wanted to be found so that I could change them. It was a revelation. It felt so good to know that I wasn’t a bitter old bint.
Envy and Jealous can stand for many things and I have noted some of the reasons behind these emotions below, these are just there to give your subconscious a little nudge in the right direction, pay attention and know it’s time to speak up. Now I am not expecting you to go out and get drunk on brandy and ask your friends boyfriends for help like I did so I have created a exercise so that you too can find out what the heck is going on inside if you too.
Deep down like me you know the answer already but it is so scary to admit and you are scared and that’s ok but you will feel such a sense of relief when you find the answer.
Feelings of inferiority, Longing, Resentment of circumstances, Ill will towards envied person often accompanied by guilt about these feelings, Motivation to improve, Desire to possess the attractive rival’s qualities, Disapproval of feelings.
Fear of loss, Suspicion or anger about betrayal, Low self-esteem and sadness over loss, Uncertainty and loneliness, Fear of losing an important person to an attractive other, Distrust
To find the message in your own emotions try this exercise.
Complete the sentence: I am jealous and envious of ........... because..........
Once you have completed this sentence ask yourself “But why” and write down your answer. Repeat “But Why” until you feel that you have finally got to the bottom of your emotion and feel relieved of its answer as you unveil it.
You may need to repeat this 50 times, it may take only 3. Do whatever is right for you; there is no exact layout for this exercise. Just keep going until you know you have found the reason behind your emotions, you should get to your final “but why” and have the same answer as the one before. Keep going with your ‘but whys’ until you feel you have discovered something amazing. You really should have a bit of a ‘fu*k me’ moment when you uncover it. If you just can’t get any answers whilst doing this on your own. Do the exercise with a friend whom you trust. Just do the exercise verbally rather than using pens and paper. All your friend should be saying is ‘But Why’ over and over and encouraging you to answer each question fully until the answer reveals itself.
Push yourself and go deep into this, saying that you are jealous because you are scared of losing them to some one more attractive is not the belief behind your emotion. Your belief would be that you don’t think you’re good enough or attractive enough for them. Your own self-esteem would be causing this jealousy. Once you have found the belief you can work on improving yourself esteem or whatever it is that comes up.
And please remember don’t ever be afraid of finding out a negative belief or a weak behavioral pattern. Once it is discovered you own it and you can then change it.
Please note: We have used this exercise to find the reasons behind your envy and jealousy but this exercise can used to get to the core belief of any negative emotion you are experiencing.