Regret, sadness, resentment, relief, loss, grief, a mixture of emotions so huge I have created a book out of them.
Whatever emotion you are feeling right now or were feeling a few hours ago will be causing you pain in some shape or form. It could be physical pain, emotional pain or both. The term heartache is very apt as it is not unheard of for our heart to feel like it is physically aching when we go through a break up. For me I lost a huge amount of weight in a few days, my heart ached and my belly hurt. The feeling was so deep I really did feel that it would be easier to go asleep and not wake up. I remember having moments where I would actually understand how and why old lady’s can die a few days after their husbands; I would then cry some more as it was highly unlikely that I would ever have a husband to die for. The pain made me very dramatic.
Pain is sh*t, it is not a nice experience and it feels even worse when it has the bitter taste of a break up attached to it. So the question is how do you stop this pain?
The funny thing about pain is that it is usually pointing to something that you need to heal or look at within your life.
My man had treated me like a fool and lied to me about some pretty serious stuff. Morally I knew what he had done was wrong and that he was weak, but I was weak too as without him I didn’t think I was complete. I didn’t think I could be happy. And most importantly to me at the time I wasn’t like everyone else my age without him at my side. I needed him for all the wrong reasons, reasons I needed to become aware of and heal for myself. What is your pain telling you?
I found it hard to listen to my pain at first. It just hurt too much, but the more I tried the more I began to understand it and with that it faded slightly.
Now this may seem a little weird to you but pain is always telling us something and we owe it to ourselves to listen. A great way I found to do this was with the following silent listening and writing exercise.
Find a quiet spot, sit quietly, close your eyes and turn off all distractions like your phone or the Internet.
Take a few moments to quiet yourself by breathing deeply into your tummy. If thoughts come to you acknowledge them and let them float away like clouds and bring your attention back to your breathing.
When you feel relaxed move your attention to your heart and breathe into the heartbreak. Just allow yourself to fully pay attention to this area of your body and the pain of your broken heart. Do not have any judgment just breathe and listen.
The aim is to be totally focused on yourself and how your heart is feeling, as thoughts start to enter your head, pick up your pen and paper and start writing these thoughts down. You may stop and start and go back to breathing and focusing on your heart in between or you may find you start writing and can’t stop for ages. Get it all out. This really is about what works for you. You don’t need to worry about what it looks like or even think about what you are writing just get it out.
Write down what the pain of your heart is saying to you. Don’t question it – Let it flow out. You can read it a little later; at this point it is only important to focus on listening to what the pain is telling you and to keep the writing flowing.
Keep going until you have exhausted yourself of your thoughts and writing. There is no time frame on this; you will know when the time feels right. Do not do yourself a disservice by stopping too soon. You deserve to give yourself this time and healing.
Relax and breathe for a few moments once you have decided to stop and when you feel completely back in the room take a few minutes to grab yourself a glass of water and refresh yourself.
Once you have drunk your water take your writing and read over it. Drinking the water is more of a distraction to break your state to be honest – drink whatever you wish, go to the toilet, have a fag, do whatever you need to do before you sit down and read through your Pain Pages.
Now it is time to read over your Pain Pages. As you read do not judge yourself just think about what you can learn and what you have realised.
Once read it is time to let this pain go, place it in your House of Pain box (another MendMaker exercise within this category) and know that it is out of your system. If you haven’t created a pain box you can destroy this pain by stamping on it, tearing it into tiny pieces and then throwing it away.
This exercise is great, I found myself doing it on train rides and all sorts. It allows for an immediate deep release of your hurt. We should never deny ourselves our pain. We can only experience true heartbreak pain because we have experienced true love. The more you do this exercise the more you learn about yourself. This exercise helped me feel dramatically different in a short space of time. I realized that I had beliefs about myself from childhood that had been affecting my choices in relationships. This exercise helped me grow strong and confident and I now know that in my next relationship I would not settle for anything less than a respectful and kind partner.