Single & On Own: Partner Replacement Get Others To Do What They Used To

Losing someone you love is shit. It feels shit because you love them, they maybe didn’t love you enough and left or died, you miss them and let’s be honest they did stuff for you and not having them there is extremely inconvenient. 

How the hell are you meant to change a light bulb? Who will do your tie in the morning? And who will now take the bins out on a Wednesday night? Whether you have been with someone 20 days or 20 years it is hard to adjust once they are gone. They did things for you and it made you feel good. It gave you comfort, attention and sometimes you just didn’t know how to do something and they did. When it comes to the things that we do for each other in relationships we get into patterns and both parties take on certain duties or roles. When you’re feeling down and something breaks or you burn your dinner you are then reminded that you are only 50% of what you once was and you feel that all that is left behind is the useless 50% and that you just can’t cope without them.
This is of course totally untrue but at that moment you reside yourself that you will be eating burnt dinners on your own and in the dark forever. 

I held on to my childhood sweet heart for years after we broke up. We loved each other deeply but for 1000 reasons it just wasn’t right for us to get back together but I couldn’t let him go. It was too hard for us to be friends and hang out together. Every 6 months we would try again but it would go wrong as we loved each other but we wasn’t ‘IN’ love with each other anymore, but when I needed anything he was the first person I called. I called him when my car broke down, when my Nan was ill, I called him from the toilet of my friends house when I had got drunk and woke up with a man my bed. He was always there for me and I needed him. When he took his own life it turned me upside down, it changed my life forever as not only was he gone, for the first time since I was 17 I was alone. 


The following exercise I did to help me get over this sense of loss and I feel that whether you lose someone in a break up or through death the sense of grief and loss is very much the same. This exercise helped me realise that I wasn’t alone, I realised how new people had started to enter my life that were taking over the roles that were once Aarons. Three months before Aaron died I met my friend Andy D and he became the man in my life that I would share my heartache with, just like I had done with Aaron. I had also found Tyson my NLP teacher that became the wisdom that Aaron used to give me, my university friend Lee came and did all my DIY and my brother took many of Aarons roles, to many for me to list and I will never forget his kindness. 

For the context of this book we are using this exercise to look at what your partner did for you and what you just can’t do by yourself since they have gone. You will then look at whom has taken over this role already and/or whom you can ask to help you. Yes I agree having your brother change your spare tyre and get hot sweaty and covered in oil is not quite the same as watching your sexy man do it but it gets the job done fast and takes the edge of you feeling lonely and destitute. 

Copy the heading from the below list and start by writing out everything that your partner did for you that you miss and that you can’t do without them then answer column two or three depending on what fits best. You will be surprised how many people in your life have taken on these roles within your life.

OK so yes I understand that this exercise won’t bring your partner back and that’s what you want right now but do look at your list and try to feel loved in some way. All these people are around you because they love you and care about you. They will make sure that you don’t have many more dinners for one in the dark. It is important that you remember that they are there for you and do not be shy in asking for their help and company, after all I am sure you wasn’t shy at nagging your partner to take out the bins was you. 

Single & On Own: It's Ok To Be On Your Own

Becoming a number one rather than part of a two creates many emotions. No matter how bad the other person treated you it is you that feels like the failure. The voices in your head convince you that it was your fault. They tell you that you are the bad guy and you are definitely useless. When the voices get too much you switch off to protect yourself and you never want to listen again. 

Many of us choose to keep busy but in the wrong way and can fall in the trap of immediately searching for the next relationship or focus all our efforts on winning our ex back. Some may choose to surround ourselves with one night lovers and new random others for attention. We need to understand that we only act like this to keep our mind occupied with drama, because once the drama is gone we are left with the one thing we are scared of most at this moment in time - ourselves.

We deliberately choose to get lost in our own madness as somehow we decide that it will be less painful than facing our truth. How and why we decide this still amazes me but take it from someone whom faced her truth and now feels amazing. Yes the giving birth to my new life did hurt at times but it was worth it for the new life I now have. 

You can't fill the gap of loving yourself with the half hearted love of a lover whom is not your destiny. Once you realize that the only person you need in your life is your true self your life will change dramatically. 

To be comfortable in your own skin and to love yourself is the first step in getting the true love you desire. Your break up was for a reason, you may not understand it now and it may hurt like hell but your perfect prince or princess is out there and by healing yourself you will get on the fast track to relationship bliss. 

The following exercise is going to take you through the first steps of getting to know the inner you. It will enable you to feel at peace with spending time with yourself and most importantly it will enable you to start to listen to the voice that lays deep in your soul. Once we start to listen and act on this little voice things start to go our way. This little voice, this knowing that we sense deep inside is called our intuition. Our intuition is our inner guide and it just knows what is best for us. Over time and due to our previous experiences we can lose trust in it and therefore start to ignore it. The thing is your intuition was never wrong. Things only ever went wrong because we ignored it in the first place. 

Getting back that trust can be scary but you really do know what’s best for you deep inside. The key is to remove your fear that nothing better is going to happen and that no one better is going to come along. You are a treasure and this exercise will allow for you to work up to thinking and believing amazing things about yourself. 

Exercise

To begin this exercise you are going to introduce yourself to you via a mirror. Now this can be any mirror but I found that the bathroom mirror works well as you can lock the door and set the tap running if you are worried about others listening in. You may have not looked this closely at yourself for a long time but you are going to do great. When you feel ready take a deep breath and look into the mirror, stare straight into your eyes and just look at yourself. Breath out and relax. Notice the features of your face and look deeply into yourself, imagine that your eyes create a pathway straight into your heart. What do you truly feel? Notice any hesitations or bad thoughts that come into your mind or burn into your chest and up into your throat. If you feel a cry go with it and then after 5 minutes turn to your paper and write it all down. 

Everything you feel and think is important. Everything has its place and once we know where your emotions sit and how you view yourself we can look at creating positives where there are negatives. 

For the second part of this exercise, again using the mirror you are going to repeat the below sentence and answer it by talking directly at your refection. By doing this you will be talking directly to your little voice, the inner you that you have ignored for so long. 

Look into your own eyes and repeat: “I deserve true love but to get the true love of another and to be able to meet my perfect partner I must learn to truly love myself” 

Reply to your reflection and follow on with your own answers: “ I love you ------ (enter your own name here) because you are.” 

It may seem hard at first to think anything nice about yourself but with time and a few deep breaths you will be able to come up with something, and with practice this will become easier. After you have spent at least 5 minutes on this exercise write down your answers. 

It is important as individuals that we appreciate and love ourselves. We will never feel truly happy or loved if we keep on trying to get it from outside sources. I found that carrying around my list of positives and the reasons I loved myself was great for my self esteem and it definitely stopped me texting my ex in those week moments. Keep your written words with you at all times and allow them to remind you of how fabulous you are when you need a pep talk. 

When we feel love for ourselves trusting that inner voice becomes easier as we know our self worth and in time we can trust the process of life once more. 

Getting to know and love you again will bring back many things, dreams you forgot, hobbies you loved as a child, new aspirations and ambitions. It is now up to you to investigate these new ideas and book in some “me” time so that you can invest your time and passion into them again. “Me” time is all about showing yourself the true love that you deserve, make sure you book it into your diary lots.